Performer's Journal #1

Given my particular style of writing, I figured that this is a format which might work better for keeping track of my vocal and actor's training. I've been trying to tally the number of hours that I spend on training or independent practice in a conservatory environment, and according to my Acting 10K spreadsheet that came up to 263 hours in 2022.

However, a spreadsheet is great for just that - tallying numbers. It's not the best for recording my qualitative progress, and so I have found a new purpose for my blog - hopefully I can use this as a catch-all way to record my learning journey in the arts.

For this journal series, I am to portray a holistic journey that is unique to what I am doing. As a non-BFA student with regular commitments in an undergraduate college, I do not operate on a fixed, curricular structure, nor do I have access to the conservatory's brand of rigor. That is somewhat problematic, but on the flip side I get flexibility and the space to learn on my own terms, which has its advantages and limitations as I have expounded endlessly in previous posts, so I shall save us the headache of reading through them again. Prior to this, I have tried writing my thoughts in journals before, but they were segmented - here's one voice journal and a second one. I notice that no matter how hard I try, other topics will simply creep in. There is no separating my work from the reality of performing, where everything must be integrated - one body, one mind, one soul.

The result, simply put, is that my journal entries will tend to be freeform, varying greatly in length, detail and style, and I will adopt a discipline-free approach - that's to say, I do not group my studies in silos. My university has taught me about the value of interdisciplinary learning, and so in this journal we shall see how various acting techniques and systems interact with the voice, with movement and dance, with performance studies, and if I have enough information to form an opinion, I will even incorporate some sports science. That is part of my studies for this semester after all.

If there was one thing I learned in 2022's acting intensive, it was to chase the objective to the last consequence. Those 12 or so hours of personal coaching were some of the most intense (rightfully) and illuminating experiences I have gained in my journey, because like Stanislavski himself would have said, little can be gleaned from a book without actually practicing and feeling it in the studio or on stage. What I got from that intensive was a very hard kick at the deep dark recesses of my mind that was holding all of my reservations in. I learned the hard way that my range was unlimited, if only I was able to open myself up to the possibility and teach my body to catch up to the demands of the role. I learned that I needed to connect, not just my mind, body and voice, but also my soul. I must feel in real time, look for real, hear, experience, understand, all while driving the performance in a state of hyperawareness.

(I'm reading An Actor's Work by Konstantin Stanislavski right now, as part of my readings for TS3238 Acting for the Screen. I have to say that I agree: Teachers should tell students they can, rather than they cannot. A teacher who does the latter is really not a teacher at all. Am I shading someone? Who knows.)

At this stage of my journey, I am lacking in physical work and the only explanation I can offer for that deficiency is pure laziness. The bed is a lot more comfortable than breaking my back trying to do handstands, thank you very much. However, it has certainly come to my attention that the camera sees all, and I was not amused to see my unfortunate lack of a jawline staring right back at me on the big screen at last week's showcase. So it is indeed part of my performer's journal to track my fitness, because for all the online disdain towards people who actually want to change something about their lifestyle, I personally feel that my own satisfaction is worth it. The industry's satisfaction is a very welcome bonus, but they are not exactly my focus. I would not sell my soul to the devil for a chance to act, I would do it myself.

The other pressing issue would of course be the matter of my voice. Fresh from the train wreck that was three weeks of flu, I completely lost my ability to twang - and it felt like drowning and falling into a dark abyss of misery. Through a year of voice lessons, breakthroughs happen less and less often, and I begin to feel a little bit stuck. Over a semester of voice and speech classes at NUS (I shall publish the essays soon), I have gotten to know a lot more about what my voice is capable of, and what areas can be improved upon. Although it was not the most wholesome experience, I learned a hell lot from it and I could transfer some of those diagnoses to my voice lessons outside of class. That is where most of my un-sticking happens.

And then there is the matter of my short films. In a high speed environment like acting for the screen, I tend to get very lost in the whirlwind process - the weekend comedy sketch for instance - and I felt ashamed, honestly, that I ended up playing the part precisely the way Stanislavski would have baulked at. Stock in trade acting, in general. That is what happens when I do not consider the Magic If and the Given Circumstances properly! Truly a tragedy, wasting a perfectly good opportunity like that. I promise to do better in future and to make sure I don't repeat those mistakes. I regret my failure to do the work of an actor and I would love to do better in future.

So that concludes my journal for now. I am currently doing my readings for tomorrow's acting class. I want to eat my words - did I even for a moment believe that there would be a single semester where I am not doing any acting at all? And I believed that trash talk about my major? Dumbass, that's what I was. From freshman year all the way to now, not a single moment has gone by where I am not doing something vibrantly interesting. Even TS3243 which was a completely online seminar module was an exhilarating experience, and I would not swap that out for anything else. Theatre Studies used to be kind of dull, I know my history and stuff, but right this second it's just awesome. This is my sales pitch for NUS. There's really nowhere else like this place. If you're some fresh high school or junior college/polytechnic leaver and you want to do some theatre but conservatory does not vibe, come here please, and ideally bring some friends along too.