Another reflective piece

This will be my third pseudo-intellectual piece in a row. Truthfully, I'm enjoying this very much and I do not intend to stop. All this rambling is highly satisfying and fills the creative gap when I just cannot seem to pull energy together into forming a coherent character, so this piece is about my entire head space when I am in the mood to create but I cannot seem to form any ideas.

Pouring my soul into crystallizing essays like this one gives me a little more space to write something more open-ended, because as I have realized myself, I am rarely bound by logic. My writings too often demand that I escape into the whimsical, which is something that reporting about everyday life or piecing a story together just cannot do. I let myself run free here with the kind of words I hammer out from my keyboard, but even freedom has its limitations. I still find myself deleting entire paragraphs when I realize that it is not something I am comfortable stating, particularly when I willingly attach my resume and everything for people to find. I will be truthful, but my truth also includes a desire to avoid recklessness.

There are some parts of myself that I would gladly show everyone, and some parts that I would rather keep concealed. That comes into play a lot when I am writing stories and screenplays - I mean, take all of those insecurities, multiply it by six different characters all interacting with each other, and then add plot, character arc, themes, budget considerations. I can't even remember how many times I have dreamed up some epic story and ended up with nothing, because in my mental cinema the scenes are not working out. I know it is not that deep, but many times my mind would not even let me put the thought on paper if it is "not good enough".

Perfectionist things. Very bad news when you're just trying to get some ideas out.

I usually try to unstick myself using some of my own techniques - usually it begins with ascribing a Chinese name to my character. Having given about 300 names to Redditors around the world, I have a handy vocabulary when I need ideas for character traits and imagining new personas. After that it's a matter of dreaming up the world I want to write them into. As the writer, my job is to be as specific as possible and paint as detailed a picture of the film or play as I can. That makes the director's job easier and I also get a better sense of what to do as the actor, which is perfect when I have to play both roles in a production.

Sometimes it really just comes to me as a convoluted mess of feelings. I rarely get images in my head, and the chances of them being vivid are even less likely. Anything visual requires intense concentration on my part and often results in more frustration than actual figments of my imagination, so what I do instead is I take the clues that my mind is scattering everywhere and reshape them into text in some notes app - be it Keep, Calmly or this blog. It's actually the key reason why I write so much, because that is the only way I know how to synthesize my ideas properly rather than let myself suffer through the disconnect of sensing but not knowing what my imagination wishes to say.

There are also alternative methods, occasionally I work on character by physicalizing and embodying the character, before I develop story based on what I learn about the people in my stories. Many of those methods come from the intriguing moments I picked up from my time in TS2233 - a semester-long journey that saw me develop a script and performance from nothing as well as my time training with Translucent Bodies, a local theatre collective which specializes in actor training. I had the privilege and honor of working on those courses simultaneously, which gave me the opportunity to apply my newly acquired techniques and pedagogies to an actual performance project in real time. While I felt that I did not fully connect to any of my performances, I now have the hindsight that comes with experience and a better picture of what it takes to develop a performance that is not just passable, but truly raw and real.

I have been taking time out to work on an actual hobby. When acting and writing becomes such a serious affair that it results in me getting frustrated, I am learning to move to other things where I do not face pressure to perform. It pains me that I am already feeling stress from something I swore I would be happy with for the rest of my life, but I also accept that this is a facet of life. The dizi flute is my outlet, a way for me to be free when I feel like I have grasp in the dark as an actor. Unlike acting where I am constantly swimming through so many areas of the theatre even while I desperately try to focus on working on my voice, my spontaneity and imagination, my physicality and so many tiny little aspects that add up - playing a flute for fun is different. All I need to do is relax and feel my breath vibrate on my fingertips, feel the bamboo respond to my breath until a perfectly clear and melodic hum emerges from my instrument. It's almost therapy in a way, and the simplicity of it helps me to find my center again and eventually go back to whatever is wrecking havoc on my creative mind.

A part of me went into the arts looking for affirmation. Happiness comes in many small parts and some of it comes from achieving perfection in my craft, the zenith, the pinnacle. Theatre still makes me happy, but this semester has been a harsh lesson where I learned that not every educator is willing to see you succeed. I accept that truth, and though I am a human who must live with those memories, I will try my best not to bear that grudge. I would like to believe that the journey to mastering every craft is littered with failure and mediocrity, and just because someone witnesses me at this point, at a point where they consider me to be mediocre, does not imply that I will remain at this stage forever. I am ready to walk towards my success at my own pace.

I have nothing to prove. I am already proving myself right every day with my own strength and love, so really, I have nothing further to prove. I can only control how I respond to every circumstance, and for the current circumstance I choose to laugh at my own mistakes and learn from it. I came here to be happy and to help in my own way, and so that is how I will make my decisions regardless of what is said about me.