Of striving, imperfections, inadequacy and perceptions: A reflective entry on Semester 1

This semester was quite the ride. Alongside the trials and tribulations of being a theatre actor, I am also beginning to understand my purpose here as a university student. It would, of course, be way easier to simply go through the motions and graduate with a piece of paper "like everyone else*" without ever considering the implications of what education means to humanity, but here I am, contemplating the intricacies of life and trying to figure out who, or what, exactly I am to this universe. This is a long read that attempts to dissect how we look at ourselves, who we really are, why we exist, and our place in this world that seems to be constantly shifting into something new.

*Who is "everyone else" again? Do I really presume that the rest of the world is a monolith? Because then I fall prey to the idea that I am special and others are not, but if the next person looks at me and thinks they are special and I am part of the monolith, then what in the world is this perspective paradox?

Weirdly, I was lead down this rabbit hole by The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation, a novel by MXTX. Together with the very serendipitous choice of choosing TS2233 (which plunged me into the epic maze of Chinese mythology) and TRA2101 (which forced me to relearn my 10 years of Higher Chinese), I practically spent the entire semester being fascinated with Chinese culture. So here I am, riding my unicorn of passion towards musical theatre while learning how to play my dizi flute, rehearsing for Shallow Dreams while spending all my time piecing together Chinese names instead of writing my musical scores for MUT1201 like I should.

All this, while the instrumental of Wu Ji runs in the background and I work on a few vocal exercises. Did someone call me chaotic? They are right. I really am. My friends told me they wanted to attend Anime Festival Asia 2022 and invited me to cosplay with them, and I have secretly wanted to buy a Hanfu for years now, so I plunged right in and bought my first Hanfu last week. I'm just happy to know that I'm not alone in being a massive Xianxia fan, and it's nice to give in to my wants once in a while after holding it in for so long. I bought a golden dragon fan for my sister on impulse, because we are both completely submerged in this fandom. And also because, seriously, it's so much more than a fandom - there is an underlying philosophy, a force that reminds me of what humanity stands for. What I stand for.

I believe that media and the arts draw many different crowds because of what they mean to us as individuals. We connect to various aspects of the arts in different ways because of the values we already hold and the answers we seek, and for me, the answer came in the form of a philosophy which extended and branched out into every area of my life. Early on, I made the connection between Mo Dao Zu Shi and Wicked - two queer leads dressed in dark and light colors, one the face of good and nobility, one the scapegoat for all things evil, and they understand each other on a level that no one else can. That connection spurred me to look beyond the flashy façade and to notice all the gloriously subtle literary references and cultural depths that both texts express in their respective ways, despite belonging to the East and West respectively.

At first glance, Elphaba and Wei Wuxian are no doubt geniuses at each of their universities. They have been granted a certain gift - for Elphaba, she is a child of both worlds, and Wei Wuxian has a level of intelligence and maturity so out of this world that generations of cultivators look up to his inventions. And then they are both utilized for their gifts, and when they refuse to be someone else's weapon, they are demonized and destroyed. Such is the price of goodwill, a tale as old as time. It would have been nice if I simply relegated those to fiction and forgot about them, but something inside me is horrified at how real those stories are, because when you are a university student competing with thousands of equally talented "cultivators" in NUS, suddenly each of those fables become an uncomfortably real cautionary tale.

A cautionary tale of what exactly? Everyone wants to be the lead, the main character, but the fact is there are only so many people who can write themselves in as the protagonist. Who are we to ourselves? Who are we to others? In the short 20 years that I have existed on this plane, I have been called a genius and an idiot, hardworking and lazy, creative and boring, beautiful and ugly. Some labels stick more than others, and sometimes they hurt. The two texts, if I may refer to MDZS and Wicked as that, share the common theme of shedding the labels that do not matter, and learning to accept that we do not have to hurt those who do not love us, just as we do not have to prove ourselves to those who do not trust us. We simply exist, and do good because we are good, and no one else needs to know but those who already understand us - if we deserve such people. Once in a while, we also get the special honor of understanding someone else.

At the cusp of adulthood, I am beginning to understand that my every action has weight. Someone is watching. Someone is listening. Someone will be affected, and sometimes, it's not something that I would ever want for anyone. Does that make me mature then? I do not know. I just know that awareness comes at the price of constant restraint and reflection, and that can be overwhelming even for the best of us. I consider: If someone tells me that I am not a performer and that I should give up, do I give up? Or shall I listen to the words I recited at my monologue recital, a haunting anthem of fortitude by William Ernest Henley:

Under the bludgeonings of chance,

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Because in every world, fictional or real, there are people who wear masks of kindness over their true intentions, which are in turn masks for the inner child who have been hurt before. In each world, the choices we make determine our future, and therefore the awareness we have at this present moment defines the amount of control we have in where we go. University is a stage of life, but time, as I told someone recently, does not segment itself. People remember, reputations and perceptions live on, and as the adage goes, karma is real. It is a theory explained in broad strokes, but when we really think about it, so much of our reality is created because of who we are. With that knowledge, I have since tried my best to establish my own values and philosophy, and that groundwork is something that I believe will serve me long after I have forgotten everything I learn in the education system.

University, as wonderful a resource as it is, does not teach us how to be better people. It is the arts and texts we are exposed to, the educators and mentors who guide us, and our own innate ability to perceive and reflect, that creates scholars out of the children who walk through the gates of higher education. Rather, university brings together people of a certain caliber so that we can witness for ourselves who our contemporaries are, and decide who we want to work with at the end of our academic journeys. And perhaps, as an accidental effect of an institution as massive as NUS, we also learn that those working relationships, made or broken, also include the professors and teaching assistants we meet. Each encounter is an opportunity, a chance to create and reflect, and to push for something new. That epiphany has been invaluable to me, and yet I am careful not to go overboard in the pursuit of "networking" - not at the risk of losing myself to another race of inadequacy, appearances and competition.

Because as the fables written over the years have warned us again and again, the biggest trap of youth is to be fixated on something insignificant, only to miss the bigger picture. That maxim has been impressed on me time and again, and I would like to try and strive for the better without falling prey to the alluring call of the rat race, for the rat race is a painful place of never being enough. I'm done with that.

When I speak of 与世无争，无愧于心, all I hope is that I stop allowing the rest of the world to pressure me into doing what I do not wish to do - the whole concept of Wu Zheng, or "without striving", is to remove the influence of jealousy, hate and insecurity from my being. That is my key takeaway from the collective teachings of Chinese philosophy, even though others may have interpreted it differently. The second half of the Chinese text simply means that I shall live to regret nothing on my conscience, but that is easier said than done, especially if I do things without being aware of how I really appear to others.

I am tempted to say that it is my unique experiences that has made me this way, but who in this world has not lived an entire life of their own? How dare I presume that I am different from "everyone else", as if every other person in this world does not exist in an equally, if not more, complex universe of their own creation? Because that realization - sonder, if I may name the word for it - has a profound impact on the way I treat other people. No longer are the people around me simply automatons that I interact with. I learn to see the world through the eyes of others, to recognize that their lives and dreams are just as significant and intricate as mine. That epiphany has led to new trains of thought that I have never really considered in the past - just how many adults actually know themselves? How many of us live in a fog of non-awareness?

I learned about the individuation theory and at first, I saw it as a step up from the MBTI system, but now when I realize exactly how vast humanity is, suddenly all of those psychological types simply do not cut it. Who even am I? Not an ISTJ or an ENFP or even an ESTP for sure. I am that constantly evolving being who is as fickle as I am headstrong. I do not know what I really want, and yet I absolutely know what I want. I am a paradox, a conundrum, a dilemma. There are 8 billion of us on this planet, all living our own unique existences, charting our path towards this strange concept called humanity, and on top of that we want to compare ourselves to each other?

We live our entire lives trying to compare ourselves with others. First there were newborn APGAR scores and probably a bunch of prenatal tests before we are even born. Then we go to school and we start comparing our appearance, grades, characters, origins, privileges and so on. Now in university, we compare GPAs, the number of leadership positions we have, the number of extracurriculars we are in, the number of internships we secure. Will there be any end to this painful and exhausting race? I realized, at last, that the only way to stop is to step aside and start appreciating other people. It is better to admire others for their strengths than to envy them and to plot their demise. That is something that I myself am unable to fully embody, but at least the knowledge that I do not have to plunge myself into a constant battle for delusional grandeur is freeing in its own way.

Because when perfection is not everything and when inadequacy is not the end of the world, then there is space for growth. There is room for awareness and learning, and then I can learn to be a better human being.

In another sense, it is also greatly liberating when we spend our lives trying to understand other people rather than work against them. It is difficult to break the ice, because all of us are carefully guarding our true selves from those who want to hurt others for their personal gain. However, the moment of connection is truly worth it, and I wish for nothing more than to know the real people behind every mask, if I may have that honor. As they say, 君子之交淡如水 - the friendships formed by noble people are mild as water. I do not presume to hold a title as esteemed even as I work towards that ideal, but I would like to think that I have at least experienced a few of those unbreakable friendships. That, in itself, is a true blessing, and I thank everyone who has made me worthy of the relationships that I can forge on my own principles and character.

Of course, the reverse side of all this talk is that I have met some truly unsavory characters this semester, and it would be as unwise as it is morally wrong to name them publicly, but I am nonetheless grateful to them for showing me who I have not become. I am glad that I can take responsibility for what I say and do, and despite my own imperfections, I realized that apologizing and making amends is really not that hard. Many people forget that their egos are simply built up insecurities created from perceptions of the self, and I am learning to cast mine aside for the bigger picture. That is a realization I have come to, that I have not grasped before, which will always be the case long after I leave NUS. Some people say that the world is becoming more dangerous - but I disagree. The world has always been dangerous, just as the world has always been full of terrified but hopeful children trying to leave their mark on society. We just grow to see it, or we never do.

This week, many of my friends are agonizing over examinations. To a lesser extent, I am also clearing my last assignments before the winter vacation finally grants us some respite, but honestly this semester has been hellish. I am grateful that four of my modules are 100% coursework which means the worst is over for me, and the remaining one is MUT1201 which my S/U has been reserved for anyway. I will do what I can for that module and call it a day. There is really nothing more to do, because as a student, my goal is not to attain the highest CAP possible but simply to live on my own terms and abide by my own conscience.

That does not mean I'm giving up on university, far from it. I am still a competitive young academic and actor fighting for my right to succeed. Rather, I want to strike a balance between living and striving, because in the end it all goes back to the pursuit of happiness, and whichever path I take towards achieving it, I want the journey to be worth it.

All of this, of course, is about willingness. The other part of this equation, the frightening unknown, is ability.

I have had the pleasure of having real and in-depth conversations with a good number of people in the last few weeks regarding this topic. The awkward truth about ability is that it entails a great deal of aptitude, and this can be a very limiting cap on what we think we can do, and how others perceive our pursuits. When there are a limited number of opportunities, there will be competition and demand for the few opportunities available - be it jobs, scholarships, or university places. Does not getting any of those opportunities mean that we are not talented? Are we destined to fail then? I refuse to believe in that perspective, because it strips us of our agency in life, and there is really no point in limiting ourselves further than the Universe has already planned. I have seen and heard of so many success stories - of people who were told they can't or they won't, and who eventually rode away on stars toward the pinnacle of their dreams. Who's to say we are not meant to be one of them?

There is so much I want to do in the years I have as a young person, and understanding that time is really limited is the motivation I need to get out there and start doing what I really want to live for. I want to explore the boundaries of philosophy, to experience the beauty of literature and the crashing wave of acting and theatre, to feel the power and wonder of connecting with other people. Once upon a time, victories and success mattered, but now they must take a back seat, because humanity beckons and calls to me to savor it in all its glory.

And so at the end of this semester, after hours of writing heartfelt essays and crying over VBA code, after everything has been said and done, I wonder if I have truly done enough. Am I limited or do I have more to give? Can I afford to go further? What, exactly, is my place in this Universe? Am I a Dean's List student? Am I an A+ student? Am I a B- student? Did I even deserve to enter NUS in the first place? Should I listen to those who called me a creative genius, or should I listen to those who said that I would never amount to anything in this lifetime? Can anyone really make that decision for me?

Because in MDZS, most people are unanimous in their hate for the character Su She, courtesy name Su Minshan. But when we really think about it, haven't all of us been the mediocre one at some point in our lives? Haven't we all felt the unsatisfying feeling of not being good enough? Have we no insecurities? Do we not live in doubt and frustration? Does envy not cloud our senses sometimes? I wonder, if people would just set aside their egos for a moment and be a little more patient with ourselves and with others, surely we can start building each other up instead of tearing others down? What if we all stopped aiming for the letter grade and instead began focusing on the things that matter to us? Perhaps Su Minshan's ending would have been different if he had taken a step back and asked himself if looking good to others was really so important.

What is the right way to live anyway? I have read classics from just about every faction of Chinese philosophical thought, and amid all the contradictions and discrepancies, the clear answer is that we ought to do good as much as possible - and I agree with that general view, because I can see no fault with the logic of reasoning through sound character rather than mere benefit. But who gets to define what good is? Whose standards shall we live by? And who can say that those standards are really universally applicable in every circumstance?

In truth, the above questions are deeply personal and therefore there is little meaning in answering them, because few might actually agree with my answer to the letter, and I am grateful that my values allow for that kind of open-mindedness so that I can appreciate the various strengths that exist in every school of thought. Not everyone would agree, or even understand why I choose a certain way of thinking, but there is merit in diversity and I think that someone's personal philosophy is for the individual to discover alongside their strengths and selves. If anything, we are responsible for the choices we make, and more often than not, love and kindness guides us to make the right decisions.

Or so they say, 只求问心无愧。