I write because it is my constant reminder of why I started (everything)

For some people, writing is an agonizing process. I find it therapeutic and even cathartic. It's my cure when I have a thousand emotions and fuzzy gradients swimming in my head, and they emerge as actual ideas and concrete plans. More than that, writing is how I find my calm center and figure out how I feel about different things.

Sometimes I worry that I have let theatre become an excuse for why I am shirking my "real-world responsibilities", that I am running away from who I was meant to be by disappearing into the sanctuary of the performing arts. I wonder if I am idealizing the life of a performer, that I would end up being disappointed by this path that I have so readily embraced and embarked on. That inner critic in me is questioning my every move, asking if I can survive, and I am making choices that feel alien to myself. Do I even know what I want? Does anybody know what they want?

But I remember the first time I watched a bootlegged musical, and I remember the wonder and the joy I felt. It was different, and it was real. I remember my first graded performance in Theatre Studies, as I stood on stage and breathed. Just breathed, felt the energy from my core to my fingertips and got ready to transform into someone else. And then I remember what it feels like to chase that elusive state of unreality. There is a certain magic in theatre, the same fuzzy gradient language that I can understand and translate into words when I write.

Next week, I perform in Villains: Untold which is my very first ticketed event. I don't get a single cent out of it (hah) but a public performance is a public performance, and it will be an experience that I will hold close to my heart. I'm so excited for this.

I am currently going on to my 4th voice lesson and it amazes me just how much I have yet to learn. Having room to grow makes me never want to stop growing, because it means there is a higher perfection that I have yet to access and that keeps me going. In a few short weeks, I have been training hard on IPA, understanding the various parts of my voice from how I might anchor my neck and spine to how I can move my false vocal folds and soft palate. And of course, my dear little undisciplined tongue which moves at all the wrong times.

This week has been so incredibly exciting for me on every front. I am finally earning a proper amount, enough to pay off all of my acting classes and voice lessons. That is a real gift and I'm thankful for the opportunity that I have been given. Honestly, so many good people and events happened to bring me to where I am today, and my efforts are but a small piece of the puzzle that has supercharged my acting career.

Oh, and Thursday happened.

Thursday, 12/05/2022, apparently Venus and Mercury aligned as reported by my friend in Tekong.

It was a fine morning. I had a $200 assignment due at 2359 and 2-3 hours of rehearsal at night.

I opened my email and saw- holy gods, I have been selected for a government tech mentorship program. It means a TON to me that I was chosen. The theatre major who just wants to be a non-starving actor.

And my lovely New Yorker friend, bless her soul, sent me a slime tutorial of Wicked that she had just recorded minutes ago. FRESH slime tutorials are an experience, my quality of life for that 2.5 hours just exploded through the roof.

And I was invited back to my primary school campus to attend a meeting for the first time in over 2 years, to plan the celebrations for our 25th anniversary. What a joy it is to be back again.

And I got an acting gig out of the blue. It was so sudden, a text - my mind was blank for 2 seconds, then I was like, omg, YES YES YES. So I'm booked for the long weekend.

Hey, I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something. Or as my New Yorker friend said, I've been blessed by the theatre gods.

My verdict? Screaming all of this out into my void is a lovely feeling.

I absolutely love writing.