Finding myself in my new home

It still hasn't sunk in.

I've had an artistic streak for as long as I could remember. In the vast galaxy of subjects and majors, a single shining star called Theatre called my name and spoke to my soul. Then a series of miracles happened and the stars aligned, and somehow... everything just sorted itself out. I am a Theatre major, and to this day that identifier still feels foreign on my tongue (and fingers) as I struggle to wrap my head around how I got here. To this day, I am still trying to grow into this strange skin, a legacy worn by so many greats that came before me.

My involvement with theatre began by accident, in 2019, after CCA selection for my batch had ended. I bailed out of my Drama Club audition because I did not have enough faith in myself to memorize a monologue or to act it out in front of a panel of seniors. I was utterly untrained then, I did not know the first thing about local or international theatre, and acting on stage was the last thing I wanted to do. I had just discovered Chinese translation back then after years of writing, and I channeled all of my energy into pursuing translation as a freelance career in my free time. Little did I know, that same energy would one day supercharge my passion for acting.

When I finally found it, I thought I was too late. People began their journeys in the theatre at the age of three, four, six. I was starting at almost 18. Did that fact scare me? Yes, it did, of course it did, but I refused to let it deter me. The industry was shrouded in mystery and it called like a siren song. And I was that girl, too curious for her own good, stepping into the unknown because she trusted her instincts more than the teachings of society that should have held her back. By the time I cared to look back, all I saw was how far I have come.

I was sure that I wanted to do this... but the first hurdle I had to clear was starting from scratch. I had no proof of previous experience but an amalgamation of all the creative works I had done thus far. I've never done any real acting - goofy school projects without a shred of technique did not count. And with a pandemic on my head, going overseas was out of the question. I began my research on NUS and its course offerings, and that was how I found out about Theatre Studies. I wish I could say that it was love at first sight, but the truth was that I was undecided for months. I careened between wanting a BFA because I was unwilling to "settle" for a theatre degree that has so much theory in it, and the other extreme - some days, I just ditched the idea of pursuing a theatre degree altogether because someone would come along and tell me that there is no future in the arts. But somehow, the idea always made its way back into my mind, and by the time I finished my A-Level examinations, I knew that I simply would not want anything else.

It was also around this time that NUS announced the merger of the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences and the Faculty of Science. The impending change shook us all. Suddenly, entering FASS was not something we could take for granted. We automatically assumed the worst - what if the cut off scores rise to the point where all of us are cut out of a local place? Maybe that sudden sense of survivorship awakened something in me. NUS Theatre Studies was no longer a possibility. It was a goal and a dream, and I wanted to do everything in my power to get there.

Naturally, I began to seriously consider Theatre Studies. I drafted degree plan after degree plan and imagined myself doing this for the next four years - and curiously, the more research I did on this program, the more I realized that it was something I didn't mind doing. It had acting and voice modules, a public showcase, and everything from theatre company internships to arts marketing and law courses. If I could save my parents some money while getting my first degree, I thought it was worth the tradeoff of not being in the global capital of theatre. All things considered, being in the Asian capital is a pretty decent alternative. The pressure of not having to audition into a program also meant that I could spend time exploring my interests and reserving some space for myself to truly grow as a performer, rather than fighting with the best of the best right from day one.

Even today, I still have doubts. I wrote an op-ed on the SGExams subreddit about the viability of dreaming beyond conventions today and received mixed responses. Sadly, some Singaporeans are still more interested in tearing other people down than building their own dreams, and that is a characteristic that pervades our society. Aversion to risk is celebrated, and dreams are prematurely put down and passed off as crazy. I hope with all of my heart that I can find it within me to keep pushing for the absolutely crazy no matter how people tell me that I'm wrong for not taking the common path. 

Then again, for every person that tried to crush my dreams, there is someone, sometimes multiple amazing people, who would encourage me and guide me along instead. Today, I caught up with my best friend in Junior College and we commiserated on how our journeys ahead would be so solitary and surreal. How do we find our place in a society that repeatedly and aggressively tells us that it has no place for our dreams? But we are ready to go against the grain. We are ready to pursue the unconventional and the impossible, and maybe - as I told her - we wouldn't just be fools. We would become the fools who made it. We may not have society to back us up, but we have each other and that's all that matters.

So that's the backstory behind my choice to major in Theatre Studies in NUS. It's pure masochism and it's going to take the willpower right out of my lungs, but theatre has shown me what it means to be human again. And yes, at long last, I get to say it.

I have found the place where I truly belong.

I am an actor.

I'm home.